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When Spouses Have Differing Levels of Sexual Desire
by Lee Wilson
Note: The information presented below should NOT be a substitute for professional counseling. The topics discussed below should not override the advice of your counselor or be used to treat a mental-health condition.
What the Bible Tells Us About Sex
The Bible tells us in 1 Corinthians 7, "Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control."
It seems that the human need for sexual fulfillment is so great, the apostle Paul tells us to be in prayer when we are not regularly in sexual union with our spouse because we are very vulnerable to temptation.
Obviously, some people have differing levels of desire. Sometimes a woman's desire is somewhat lower than her husband's. We've also found men whose desire is less than their wives. The cause of this can be the result of many things--poor nutrition, lack of sleep, emotional distress, traumatic past experiences, and situational difficulty. Whatever the cause, differing sexual desire is usually a source of great frustration--especially for the spouse with the stronger drive.
We should not ignore the needs of our spouse. Being tired, too busy, or disinterested does not prevent the temptation of the devil and does not diminish the desire of our spouse. Furthermore, NEVER is it appropriate for one spouse to deprive the other in order to punish. This is a form of manipulation and control. It should not be put into practice by loving husbands and wives who are imitators of Jesus Christ.
The Human Sex Drive
The human sex-drive is controlled by the same part of the brain that controls hunger. It is a recurring, constant need in both men and women. Excuses for not meeting this need or any other need can do great emotional damage to a spouse. One frustration we have at Family Dynamics is trying to explain to a spouse that his or her spouse's need for sexual fulfillment is very intense and that any excuse stated for not meeting this need inadvertantly tells that spouse that convenience, feelings, or situations are more important than his or her needs.
In all honesty, the frustration seems to be most common in men. Their wives are too tired, busy, or disinterested to fulfill their sexual needs. One example that has been used by leading marriage therapists to explain what a spouse experiences when his need for sex is not met is in a story about a glass of water.
Pretend you are very thirsty--to the point of dehydration--and your spouse has a tall, cool glass of water. You beg for a drink. Your spouse says, "I'm too tired to hand it to you." Or, "Since you didn't clean the floor you aren't getting it." Or, "I just don't have any desire to give you a drink."
Does that make your thirst go away? Does that take away the need? Does that excuse make you less thirsty or content? Does that excuse make you feel good or bad about your spouse? It would probably break your heart that your spouse would be so cruel and seemingly unconcerned with your very real need.
You see, whether we like it or not, presenting an excuse to a spouse says, "I know you think you need this, but you don't" (The president of our ministry--Joe Beam uses that example often).
We must remember the following principle: One spouse does not have the right to decide what is or is not important to the other spouse.
Another result of unmet needs, very common in men, is resentment. They feel that their wives are not attracted to them and that any sexual intimacy they experience with their wives comes as a result of begging or because they have done favors for their spouse. Many men have experienced deep emotional hurt because they feel that their wives treat them as if they're gross and don't seem to enjoy having sex with them. Many wives don't give relevance to their husbands real need for sexual fulfillment.
Many marriage experts seem to "beat up" on men and make them the butt of jokes at seminars and conferences. I don't approve of being overly critical of either spouse. Men have their fair share of relationship shortcomings. For example: Some wives would enjoy sex as much as their husbands if their husbands had better technique, patience, and knowledge. But it seems that, in the case of sexual fulfillment, many wives fail to recognize or acknowledge that their husband has a deep, natural need that cannot be dismissed by excuses. Failure by his wife to meet this need places him in a terrible dilemma: Either he lives in misery and deprevation with his spouse or he seeks fulfillment from another source. Sadly, this is the most common road to an affair.
There are many additional things that could be said (and learned) concerning this particular subject and we have a resource called, "The Love, Sex, and Marriage DVD Kitt." It goes into detail on this very subject. Sexual technique, environment, education on male and female anatomy, and practical ways to enhance your sex life (inside of marriage) are studied in detail--in the privacy of your own home. If you'd like to learn about the home-study, click here.
by Lee Wilson
Director of Web Media and Literature
Family Dynamics Institute
© 2005 Lee Wilson. All rights reserved.
Click here for information on Lee's book, The Real Heaven.
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